Miracles
by Sagan Fox
Summary: Spoilers for Gesthemane, Redux II. Mulder's thoughts as he visits Scully's bedside at night.


A/N: Sagan Fox finally has her X-Files muse back! After an excruciatingly long dry streak in regards to X-Files fiction, I was finally able to pull something decent out of my ass...err...brain. I missed writing X-Files fic so much...this should keep me happy for a few months at the least. Until I finally get moving on a big post-series fic my brain's been cooking for a few months. 

  


Many endless thanks to my loyal beta-reader, Discordia the Goddess of Irony. Couldn't do it without you, doll. (Insert shameless plug for the fiction of Discordia the Goddess of Irony) Read it! It's good, and I beta-read it myself!

  


Anywho, all who flame will be met with an author clothed only in fire wielding a katana. And that isn't a pretty sight, folks!

  


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I visited you tonight, Scully. I came into your room while you slept, held your hand, and wept like a child. My father would be so ashamed of me. Thank you for not waking up, Scully. I couldn't bear it if you saw me like that, broken and hopeless. 

I know what you'd say, too. You'd tell me to go home, get some sleep, that you were feeling fine, not to worry about you. I'd know that you were lying, too. Did you ever know that every time you told me that you were fine, I knew you were lying? Or that every single time you did, I wanted to _make_ it fine, but didn't because I was afraid you'd push me away. You always were stronger than I was, Scully, you never had to prove it to me.

I am a coward, and I'm sorry, Scully. Your brother is right, I am one sorry son of a bitch. I'm responsible for putting you in that hospital bed. I'm responsible for your brother's anger. I'm responsible for the haunted look in your mother's eyes when she looks at you. So much has been taken away from you because of me, and I don't even know how to start to give it back. I don't know how you can even stand to look at me, but I thank the gods that you do.

Have I ever told you that you look like an angel when you're asleep, Scully? Even with the tubes, and the weight you've lost because of the cancer, you are without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the world. My angel. The radiant light that broke into my dark world and pulled me back from the yawning abyss more times than I can count. You've saved me in so many ways. And I'm not even sure I can save you just this once. You shame me, Scully. 

I decided tonight that I refuse to lose you. Your family is ready to let you go without a fight, and I respect their wishes. But I _know_ that you don't want to throw in the towel yet, and neither do I. I won't take the Smoking Man's deal, Scully. There has to be another way. I would rather die than betray everything we worked so hard for. I _will_ find a cure. Just give me some time. Please, Scully, fight. For your life, for your family, for all you have left to do in this life. You have so much potential, so much life in you, Scully. If you left, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be too far behind. This is the most selfish thing I've ever asked of you, but fight it for me.

There's still so much I have to tell you. I never told you how beautiful you are. I never told you how much I love to try to make you laugh, because, really, Scully, you don't do it enough. I never told you how much you make me want to be a better person. That you are the _only_ person I'd ever want on the X-Files with me. That I love how hard you make me work for my proof; that I would never have gotten this far without you. That you are the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of at night. 

That I love you.

I don't know why I fought the idea for so long. Maybe it was because I knew that you would never love me in return. I remember what it's like to love someone so strongly that you feel your heart will burst, only be tossed aside like an old tissue. I didn't want to feel it again. Ever. I convinced myself that I didn't need love, that my work was too important to allow something as trivial as love into my life. You showed me that I was wrong, Scully. I think the fact that I loved you, even in secret, made me want to work harder. If I could put those men who sit in smoke-filled rooms plotting the fate of the world out of business, then maybe, just maybe, I could give you your life back. The X-Files have taken so much away from you. Your clean professional reputation, your sister, your health, your motherhood, and now if I don't pull a miracle out of my ass, they'll take your life. You're the one who believes in miracles, Scully, not me. Do you think I'll be able to pull it off?

It's getting late. Or early. Not that it matters. I haven't slept in days, anyway. Not since that night that got us into this mess. I'm sorry I asked you to lie. I'm even more sorry that I almost took the coward's way out and abandoned you when you needed me most. Or when I needed you most. I think you'd prefer then latter. You always did like to believe that you didn't need anyone. 

The sun is coming up. I should go. I'll be back. And maybe I'll bring a miracle with me. 

  
  


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Fini! Please review! Reviews feed my fan-fiction muses, and they need all the help they can get!


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